Meth World

My theory is that everyone on Earth except for me is on meth. I can't prove it, I just know. I used to think meth was pretty funny until it dawned on me that everyone on the planet was doing it except me. I was laughing at "faces of meth" until it slooooowly dawned on me that "oh no! Everyone in our solar system that isn't me looks exactly like that! What in God's name will I ever do?"

What can I do? I'm ugly enough as it is, and I don't think my face can handle protruding cheek bones and scars from scratching out crank bugs. Plus, I kind of like my teeth and being able to chew things. Although, I have heard that toothless meth blow jobs are preferable to the ones with grating choppers. But why am I telling you? You're on meth. You already know.

I kind of admire that every other living human had the temerity to just say "fuck it", quit their jobs, tell their loved ones to go fuck themselves and then just go snort meth and have a good time. Is that how you ingest meth? Snorting? One of you other Earthlings will have to let me know. I guess I'm just not cool enough. I feel like Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode, except instead of being the only human left alive, I'm the only one without Ice coursing through his veins.

I worked up the gumption to ask a friend of mine for some but she threw a lamp at me and started screaming that I was a shadow person coming to rob all her Oat Bran. While a quick bowl of Oat Bran would have been nice, I would have asked first! Then she puked up all the puss she sucked out from an open soar on her thigh. Sigh... When do I get all the glitz and glamour, Lord?

So when do I get my bugged out, crying mugshot? When do I get the sweat stained Hawaiian shirts and a minivan with only one original door that has empty Sudafed cartons rolling around? What of greasy clown hair? Damn it, when's it gonna be my time?! One of you other humans, please make me cool!