Hi! Here's My Incredibly Obnoxious Online Dating Profile!

First off, don't be a creeper!  I'm so outrageously desirable, creepers are just breaking my door down all day and night and it's HELL!  So don't come bitching to me if I don't respond to you.  I have a life and I can't spend all of it on this site I signed up for to meet people.  If you don't hear from me, it's because you're simply not the perfect 10 I came here expecting and am, in fact, entitled to.

What am I doing with my life?  Just livin' it and lovin' it and tryin' to keep a smile on, you know how it be.  I just dumped my boyfriend because fuck him and basically turned my whole life upside down like a manic flake.  If you're looking for commitment, look elsewhere.  You're not clipping these wings because this girl needs to SOAR.

I work very hard as a high profile attorney and neurosurgeon when I'm not obtaining rare antiquities.  I'm also back in graduate school going for my degree in Musical Chairs so I basically don't have a nanosecond of free time, not that I owe you any of it.  I'll try to squeeze you in between my hot yoga and macrame gallery showings.

I love making people laugh and smile or smile and laugh, that works too lol ;).  I help blind children feed themselves when I'm not nursing abandoned kittens.  I also scream the newspaper at the hard of hearing.  I'm an incredibly kind, generous, friendly, decent, selfless person.  So basically ignore my cunty opening disclaimer.  Unless you're a creeper.

I love beer and also wine.  It's tough to pick which I love more.  Craft beers and rare IPAs ONLY.  You've never heard of my favorite beer.  It's brewed in a bathtub in Liberia.  I like to mix it with wine.  I hope you love going out for a good beer/wine as much as I do.  Gosh, I love beer.  I'd have it pumped into me intravenously if I could.  Please overlook and enable my obvious drinking problem!

I live a very privileged life.  Check out these pics of me snuggling penguins in the Antarctic.  Here's me skiing down Paul Bunyan's back.  Hopefully you can make out my face.  I'm the one standing in the middle of all the aborigines.  I'm constantly traveling which pretty much makes dating impossible.   I'm also contemplating a move to a small tent teetering on top of an Egyptian pyramid in about two weeks so clock's ticking!

I listen to a lot of Peruvian dubstep and experimental banjo music called "banjology" when I'm not chilling out to some NPR.  I've never owned a TV and never will but I still love really smart, culturally refined shows like Big Bang and SVU.  I also read a lot of Bukowski.  Podcasts.

I'm looking for someone who respects my right to an independent life where I'm always working, going to school or exploring space and I don't see you very much.  Someone who can share all my wild, 007-like adventures unless you can't afford your share of the $50,000 jet refueling.  Get on my level, man!  I'm an extremely empowered, dynamic person with my own goals and I can't abide deadbeats.  I'll also be seeing about five other guys at the same time because fuck you.

Are you the one?  I really hope not.  In the time it took me to write this, I've decided I'm not really looking for anything serious and I'm probably moving to the opposite coast.  Why did I even bother?  You're all creepers anyway.    

  

Tonight, after Matlock...

Don't Monkey With It!

Meth World

My theory is that everyone on Earth except for me is on meth. I can't prove it, I just know. I used to think meth was pretty funny until it dawned on me that everyone on the planet was doing it except me. I was laughing at "faces of meth" until it slooooowly dawned on me that "oh no! Everyone in our solar system that isn't me looks exactly like that! What in God's name will I ever do?"

What can I do? I'm ugly enough as it is, and I don't think my face can handle protruding cheek bones and scars from scratching out crank bugs. Plus, I kind of like my teeth and being able to chew things. Although, I have heard that toothless meth blow jobs are preferable to the ones with grating choppers. But why am I telling you? You're on meth. You already know.

I kind of admire that every other living human had the temerity to just say "fuck it", quit their jobs, tell their loved ones to go fuck themselves and then just go snort meth and have a good time. Is that how you ingest meth? Snorting? One of you other Earthlings will have to let me know. I guess I'm just not cool enough. I feel like Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode, except instead of being the only human left alive, I'm the only one without Ice coursing through his veins.

I worked up the gumption to ask a friend of mine for some but she threw a lamp at me and started screaming that I was a shadow person coming to rob all her Oat Bran. While a quick bowl of Oat Bran would have been nice, I would have asked first! Then she puked up all the puss she sucked out from an open soar on her thigh. Sigh... When do I get all the glitz and glamour, Lord?

So when do I get my bugged out, crying mugshot? When do I get the sweat stained Hawaiian shirts and a minivan with only one original door that has empty Sudafed cartons rolling around? What of greasy clown hair? Damn it, when's it gonna be my time?! One of you other humans, please make me cool!

Tom & Dan's Mystery Birthday LANapalooza

Dan and I are throwing a joint DanLAN this year to celebrate both of our birthdays. I'm not so sure Dan counts, though. The day you were mixed together in a Petri dish and then placed in a gestation tube for 5 years of accelerated maturity doesn't necessarily count as a "birth" in my estimation... But apparently you can legally marry body pillows now, so what do I know? Be on the lookout for a special appearance by Finnish comedy sensation UncleSamPatriot, however. That should be a hoot and a half.

The big man himself addresses DanLAN attendees in the video below:

Coming This Fall To CBS

Crime didn't count on having its eardrums blown in... "Big Screaming Jackass" begins this fall on CBS right after NCIS: Spooner. Gary Busey plays Rick "Big Screaming Jackass" Sloan, a homeless Desert Storm vet with Tourette Syndrome who communicates entirely by screaming. Joined by his faithful screeching cockatiel Widget, the Big Screaming Jackass roams the streets of Paris, Texas fighting crime by screaming at it. Rick and Widget screaming in dissonant unison achieves the exact resonant frequency vibration of the human skull, causing criminal's heads to literally explode.

Rick is also aided in his crusade against villainy by his sidekick Andy Austism, who also has a peculiar communication method; tambourine. This 21st century Butch & Sundance prowl the dark back-alleys of one of America's most dangerous podunks preparing to launch a cacophony of pain on whatever evildoing they might find. Don't misunderstand, they also know how to have fun. When not sitting down for a jam session with a local Industrial Noise-Core band, these two are setting the night on fire the only way they know how; setting off car alarms while shaking coffee cans full of nickels.

Don't miss the excitement with Big Screaming Jackass this fall on CBS!

For Your Pluppets.

Jeff Dunham’s “Achmed the Dead Terrorist” video is about to crest 130 million hits on Youtube. His videos have 350 million hits overall, he’s sold millions of copies of his DVD’s and performs for sold-out venues around the world. But he’s also a ventriloquist, representative of the lowest form of comedy right underneath mime. Somehow he and his felt rags have made a killing with material that wouldn’t pass muster in a dank basement comedy club. Jamie Farr would have given him the Gong in the 70’s and Ed McMahon would have taken him aside on Star Search to gently explain that he might want to consider updating his act out of “party clown” territory.

But despite all that, he’s considered the most popular standup comedian in the country, voted higher than Louis C.K. or even the Blue Collar guys. But why? How? I really just don’t understand it. And it’s not that I don’t understand it the same way I “don’t understand” why Adam Sandler’s latest turd was #1 at the box-office this weekend. There are a lot of people with room temperature IQs in this country that find really stupid shit funny. When you chastise them for it, they typically fire back one of a handful of rote, underdeveloped arguments like “you don’t have a sense of humor” or “everyone has their own taste” or “you don’t know how to shut your brain off to have fun”. I prefer my brain “on”, thanks, but I get that most people prefer to leave it on stand-by and snort their beer at Nick Swardson’s antics in “Grandma’s Boy”. Stupid people like stupid shit. I can cope with that. But Jeff Dunham is worse than 50 Billy Madisons put together. He’s the Anti-Funny. A humor black hole where laughs cannot escape.

You’d hire a birthday clown over a ventriloquist for your 5-year-old’s party, right? Because ventriloquists are just creepy. They’re treating an anthropomorphized log as a human being. That’s why real comedians have used them as a punch line since time immemorial. Which begs the question: what is so appealing about this particular ventriloquist? What separates his act from some sleazy lounge lizard? The only thing about his act that sets him apart as far as I can tell is that he’s racist and sexist for the hell of it, getting mileage out of simply saying dirty things that are only “funny” because they’re offensive. The hicks already have Larry the Cable Guy and countless other annoying jackasses for that. Other comedians who “work blue”, yet who do so with at least a modicum of dignity, claim he gets his laughs by simply funneling his hackneyed bullshit through the pile of rags sitting on his knee. Just using a stuffed animal as a cipher makes it “funny”. Could his fan base really be impressed with the same dynamic that draws 3 year olds to Sesame Street? Something that shouldn’t be talking is. That’s funny? That hideous talking baby in those Super Bowl commercials. He’s funny too?

One of the most baffling things to me is that when I watch Jeff Dunham doing his act, I can clearly see his lips moving along with the Resusi Annie bouncing on his leg. He’s not even a COMPETENT ventriloquist! This guy should be getting rotten lettuce thrown at him in a speakeasy in the ‘20s, not raking in millions of dollars and selling out every venue he books. He’s sub Dunk Tank Clown. He’s an R-rated “Puppets Say the Darndest Things”.

His now trademarked “creations” are just reductive, facile stereotypes carved into foam. He has nothing new to add to them either, with each one sounding like something the kid who thinks he’s a hoot in the lunchroom comes up with. Walter is a filthier version of Dana Carvey’s angry old man. Achmed the Dead Terrorist is a retread of middle-eastern stereotypes that have been kicking around since “Ayatollah Assaholah” in the ‘80s. There’s the pimp and the redneck and the sub-Mencia, Speedy Gonzales-esque Mexican. What am I missing here that makes him in any way original or unique?

People who like shitty humor, typically the kind where a man-child dances around like he’s autistic, often call me a “snob” for my perceived lack of taste on their part. To a certain extent they’re probably right, and I should back off a little bit when “fun is fun”. Sometimes the most base and vile humor can make us laugh on a visceral gut level. But there’s nothing in Jeff Dunham’s act that can’t be found in countless other comedy albums and standup specials that stopped being funny years ago. Only this time it has puppets. John C. Reilly’s character Steve Brule has an irrational fear of puppets and his speech impediment often forces the word “puppet” out as “pruppet” or “pluppet”. Even that mispronunciation is funnier than anything Jeff Dunham has ever done. I just don’t get it.