Hi! Here's My Incredibly Obnoxious Online Dating Profile!

First off, don't be a creeper!  I'm so outrageously desirable, creepers are just breaking my door down all day and night and it's HELL!  So don't come bitching to me if I don't respond to you.  I have a life and I can't spend all of it on this site I signed up for to meet people.  If you don't hear from me, it's because you're simply not the perfect 10 I came here expecting and am, in fact, entitled to.

What am I doing with my life?  Just livin' it and lovin' it and tryin' to keep a smile on, you know how it be.  I just dumped my boyfriend because fuck him and basically turned my whole life upside down like a manic flake.  If you're looking for commitment, look elsewhere.  You're not clipping these wings because this girl needs to SOAR.

I work very hard as a high profile attorney and neurosurgeon when I'm not obtaining rare antiquities.  I'm also back in graduate school going for my degree in Musical Chairs so I basically don't have a nanosecond of free time, not that I owe you any of it.  I'll try to squeeze you in between my hot yoga and macrame gallery showings.

I love making people laugh and smile or smile and laugh, that works too lol ;).  I help blind children feed themselves when I'm not nursing abandoned kittens.  I also scream the newspaper at the hard of hearing.  I'm an incredibly kind, generous, friendly, decent, selfless person.  So basically ignore my cunty opening disclaimer.  Unless you're a creeper.

I love beer and also wine.  It's tough to pick which I love more.  Craft beers and rare IPAs ONLY.  You've never heard of my favorite beer.  It's brewed in a bathtub in Liberia.  I like to mix it with wine.  I hope you love going out for a good beer/wine as much as I do.  Gosh, I love beer.  I'd have it pumped into me intravenously if I could.  Please overlook and enable my obvious drinking problem!

I live a very privileged life.  Check out these pics of me snuggling penguins in the Antarctic.  Here's me skiing down Paul Bunyan's back.  Hopefully you can make out my face.  I'm the one standing in the middle of all the aborigines.  I'm constantly traveling which pretty much makes dating impossible.   I'm also contemplating a move to a small tent teetering on top of an Egyptian pyramid in about two weeks so clock's ticking!

I listen to a lot of Peruvian dubstep and experimental banjo music called "banjology" when I'm not chilling out to some NPR.  I've never owned a TV and never will but I still love really smart, culturally refined shows like Big Bang and SVU.  I also read a lot of Bukowski.  Podcasts.

I'm looking for someone who respects my right to an independent life where I'm always working, going to school or exploring space and I don't see you very much.  Someone who can share all my wild, 007-like adventures unless you can't afford your share of the $50,000 jet refueling.  Get on my level, man!  I'm an extremely empowered, dynamic person with my own goals and I can't abide deadbeats.  I'll also be seeing about five other guys at the same time because fuck you.

Are you the one?  I really hope not.  In the time it took me to write this, I've decided I'm not really looking for anything serious and I'm probably moving to the opposite coast.  Why did I even bother?  You're all creepers anyway.